SELHURST PARK — Man City's resident cyborg Erling Haaland scored only two goals against Crystal Palace yesterday, plunging his Fantasy Football owners into crisis.
"I captained him for a triple hat-trick," sobbed a 12-year-old on Twitter/X. "Two goals is pathetic. Is he washing up?"
Pep Guardiola defended his laboratory creation. "He is running on Windows 11 now, so sometimes he updates in the middle of a match. It is normal. So, so happy."
Palace defenders were unavailable for comment as they are currently undergoing therapy for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Striker Disorder).