OLD TRAFFORD — New Manchester United boss Rúben Amorim has admitted the club is "underachieving", a keen observation that roughly 7 billion people had already made.
"I came here thinking it was the Theatre of Dreams," Amorim told reporters while checking flight prices back to Lisbon. "But it is the Theatre of Memes. Harry Maguire tried to explain the offside rule to me using a fridge magnet. I am tired."
United sit in 14th place (probably), or maybe 10th, nobody checks anymore. The only thing they are winning is the 'Most Comedy Moments per 90 Minutes' trophy.
Amorim has requested a transfer budget of £1 billion or a time machine to 2008. The Glazers have offered him a coupon for 10% off the club megastore.